Well, Bowl Season is now officially over after Tim Tebow and the American sprint team defeated Oklahoma last night, which is also the end of the College Football season. That being said, I figured I’d come up with a post to celebrate. After wracking my brains for all of fifteen minutes I was finally struck by a flash of inspiration. And that leads us all to this: my predictions for the future of the big name underclassmen entering the NFL draft.
Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech-While it is just a “sources say” situation at this point, I have to believe that the two-time Biletnikoff award winner is going to try his hand at dominating the pros the same way he has college.
Prediction: Crabtree goes number one overall to the Detroit Lions (because that’s what they do), lining up opposite Calvin Johnson. The Lions continue to ignore their problems at quarterback, however, and sign Kyle Boller, hoping that he can carry the team while they develop Tim Tebow, who they will be taking with their second pick of the first round (again, because that’s what they do). Mediocrity ensues until he strike out through free agency at the first possible second. He will then sign with his hometown Dallas Cowboys and start to shine, making 7 consecutive Pro Bowl appearances, including two 15 TD seasons. He then retires and goes on to run a successful chain of surf and turf restaurants in the greater Dallas area.
Tim Tebow, QB, Florida-At this point it looks like he’ll probably be staying for a fourth year, but for continuity’s sake
we’re going to say he’s accomplished enough in three years (Wait a minute, what hasn’t he accomplished? You know, why IS he staying?) and wants to try his luck in the NFL, despite what the draft experts are saying.
Prediction: Told time and again that he will have to switch positions and play tight end in the pros, complete with numerous Frank Wycheck comparisons, Tebow declares that he will only play quarterback in the pros, and any team that wants him is getting him at that position. This scares off everyone else, which in turn shoots him up the Lions draft board. With their second pick of the first round from Dallas the Lions draft him as their QB of the future. He sits until the 12th week of the season, at which point he debuts halfway through a 28 point loss. He completes half his passes and throws 1 touchdown and 1 interception, and rushes for 55 yards and another score. Over the course of the next three years he completes less than half his throws and has a nearly 3 to 1 INT-TD ratio, and finishes with a record of 11-42 as a starter. He moves on to a Hall of Fame career as a tight end for the Patriots. After retiring from the NFL he will go on to open up a strip club called “Tebowners.”
Jeremy Maclin, WR, Mizzou
Prediction: Brett Favre holds New York, Peter King, and ESPN hostage for nearly two months leading up to the draft before announcing that he will be returning. The Jets turn their focus to receivers to compliment the gunslinger and draft Maclin 17th overall. He is a successful deep threat and a more successful kick returner, and sales of Maclin jerseys are through the roof in the New York-New Jersey area. He is nearing HoF status after his 13th season, but tears his ACL in training camp and retires a Jets legend. Spends the rest of his days as a cruise ship director.
Chris Wells, RB, Ohio State
Prediction: Drafted 5th overall by the Browns, he immediately becomes the starter. Along with Brady Quinn he ushers in a new era of Cleveland football, an era where they aren’t good, but they aren’t bad, finishing between 7-9 and 9-7 year after year. He is chronically plagued by injuries, and despite several 1000 yard seasons he never fully lives up to his expectations. Is forever remembered for fumbling 4 times in a divisional playoff game. Goes on to run a small business called Beanies Beanies that sells knit hats and scarves. Brady Quinn is his biggest customer.
Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
Prediction: Drafted third overall by the Kansas City Chiefs, he competes for the starting job right away. He performs admirably in the pre-season, but the Chiefs wisely let Tyler Thigpen start the year. After sitting for the entire season he starts in his second year and promptly leads the Chiefs to the playoffs. KC becomes a contender year after year, and the combination of playing against both Bradford and Cutler twice a year each drives Phillip Rivers crazy and he drops out of football, only to resurface as Tebow’s replacement in Detroit.
Andre Smith, OT, Alabama
Prediction: Drafted 2nd by the Rams, he starts right away, taking over Orlando Pace’s old spot. He quickly becomes one of the NFL’s premier lineman, but the rest of his line can only be described as “porous”, and everyone that takes snaps in the Rams backfield for a decade finds himself eating turf 40 or so times a season. He spends his entire career in St. Louis, but his team’s epic levels of failure overshadow his otherwise brilliant career. He spends his retirement competing in eating contests and hawking fried chicken.
Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia
Prediction: Taken just after Bradford by the Seahawks, Stafford starts the last 3 games of the year after spending the first 13 weeks as Hasselbeck’s back-up. He’s the starter by his second year, and Hasslebeck moves on to another team. Stafford spends the next ten years as an above average QB, but plays for five different teams.
P.J. Hill, RB, Wisconsin
Prediction: He overestimates his draft stock and falls to the Packers in the third round. Is converted to a fullback, a position at which he enjoys a long and successful career. He is inducted into the Packer’s Hall of Fame.
Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia
Prediction: His draft stock tumbles at the combine, and he falls to the Bengals in the second round. After several seasons alternating between being the feature and third-down back he is found to be the mastermind behind a crack group of professional criminals that attempt to rob the Wynn Casino in Vegas. He flees the country but is extradited after getting a speeding ticket in England. Spends 20 years in jail.
Hakeem Nicks, WR, North Carolina
Prediction: After exploding against West Virginia his draft stock rises, and he is drafted in the second round by the Jets, giving Favre another weapon. He shows early promise, snaring 11 TD catches his rookie year and providing highlight reel catches every night. He starts his second year better than his first, until he suffers a broken foot. He never fully recovers and averages 6 touchdown catches a year for the next seven. Turns to coaching as a way to stay in the game. Never rises above assistant coach, but is happy in his profession. Spends the off-seasons golfing with Favre and Michael Jordan.
Glenn Coffee, RB, Alabama
Prediction: Winds up the first pick of the second round, becoming a Detroit Lion. Splits time with Kevin Smith successfully (by Detroit standards) for 8 seasons. Becomes a favorite of Chris Berman’s due to the easy (read: lazy) puns that his last name affords. Never becomes a true starter in the NFL, but hangs on for over ten years. Retires and opens a chain of coffee/bagel shops in the Midwest (hey, Berman’s not the only lazy one around here).
Five Cent Head 